..only will

I am numb to all. Closing doors haunting a fragile mind. I still breathe. Time no longer frees nor enslaves. Wounds covered and dressed. Images obliterated and substituted. Passion dead and resurrected. Depths no longer seen and never again to be shown.  Free is a mind that consumes no fear. This is no roll of the dice. I see the end. I see the beginning. I see inside you. I see all. Mistakes realized. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t.  Fire glowing, attracting all, consuming any who dare approach. No mercy anymore in a game defeating all. The touch so gentle no longer affects the resonant will placed so high above passion.  Nothing is wrong and nothing is right. Only will.

Silence broken

Uneasiness consumes a heart deeply buried beneath too many secrets. The truth never allowed to surface. Time so merciless, leaving no chance for recovery. Silence drowning a screaming soul. Inability overpowers yearning. Stillness overbearing. Light fading. A sparkle that was once so bright, now unrecognizable from the darkness beneath it. From the darkest low comes the most honest truth. Beyond pain, sharp hurt. Lips quiver hidden by a voice so faint. The heart lies. The mind deceives. Words mean nothing. The quiet pulled down over regretting eyes. Hope loses meaning buried deeper than can be touched with aching fingertips. Truth lost to deaf ears. Perception occupies what was once bare. Motives mistaken for innocence yet driven out by new significance.

Unthinkable choices haunt tired eyes.

unfamilliar

With visions never before expressed, the dawn sneaks up behind the darkness, stealing what little hopelessness it had. Gently opening up areas so lost to the light. Spaces so hidden and old, finally, yet slowly exposed to the fire of awareness and consciousness. Revelations of the missing no longer control the mislead soul. Easy, no. Pain so distinct and familiar to the darkness articulates the loss. A true friend this pain. Yet the paths finally splitting in an attempt guided only by non-judgmental eyes. Unfamiliar territory. Leaving the rooms so hidden solely expressed through enigmas. Leaving proverbial and entangled silence to find shores of somewhat misguided anticipation. The sharp sense of knowing dulled with learning. Torment to the heart and mind, companions to the soul release their stronghold on an existence so regrettable. Turmoil escapable. Releasing the recognizable takes pieces of one’s self leaving emptiness so perilous. Time so unkind. The look back so scary to escape, yet at the wonder of turning out slightly undamaged further proves the unalterable misery. Deserts of words undisclosed eat away the light of new days. Valleys filled with emotion overrun fueling this loss. So missed this chapter. 

Yet, inevitable to pursue the warmth presented by passion at the moment of utter darkness. Destiny so weak to materialize desires felt close to inner emotion unexpressed with words. Complications never presented answers needed to remove ambiguity. 

But still looking up with eyes shut, moving to the sensed yet unseen light. Accompanied with the past holding strong to the soul. Escapable still. Inner demons fade and new ones emerge. New companions to a journey yet to be realized. So with welcome faces we commence to soar above the desolate winds brought on with sounds of hurtful wounds. 

It is a new day.

Empty

Suddenly the atmosphere’s dull and dusty surface becomes bright as if it’s the first sunrise since being overcome with darkness and passion enters regrettably. Logic overthrown in a split second. Impulse reigns once again overpowering all reason. Pure, raw emotions take a master’s touch to handle. Yet experience means nothing blinded by the tragedies of the long gone past. Life is visible at the edge but still out of one’s reach. The tips of the fingers sense the imaginary tingling. The heart starts skipping those unessential beats. The breaths so deep that only cry out in darkness surface and suffer the light. Inevitably the dwellings of the inner spaces are visible on the arched edges of closed mouths.  Not too long now till another part of the soul is lost in all this continuous confusion. Growing weaker and weaker with every passing encounter till nothing clear can be reasoned within the inner mind. Pleading against all possibilities yet powerless to pursue. Closer now.  The inevitable driving all logic after the feeble sense of belonging. Twisting that logic to overthrow sense and conquer the one thing that stands in your way.  Reminiscing dissolves passion for what is ahead. So sweet to the mind, eating away at it unknowingly. The question posed answered in time, leaving the inner demons to roam free. And so, it happens again.

Temporary

Wasting it has become a hobby, no, a profession. So what. What value does it have if it’s always dull and useless. 

Desiring the unattainable, searching for the irretrievable. Longing for the scent of the long gone, manipulating the immovable, playing with the inevitable. Drowning breath. So hard to ignore yet pointless.  

Spending as if it could never run out. Wanting it to but on the precipice fearing the craving. Too many unmade choices. Too many unanswered dreams. The silence remains, could be eternal. The underlying could be regrettable. 

But wisdom fails, sorrow manifests and drive fades. Still more passes and loss is overwhelming to my humanity.

Quest

Been wondering why I’ve been feeling like shit the past couple of days. No answer has presented itself yet.

Feel used.  I hate sacrificing silently and being utterly unappreciated and unnoticed. Does that not make it a sacrifice?  But it’s not a reward I’m looking for, not even words, but the glaze in the eye, the warmth in the touch, the smile on the face, the silence  so tranquil amidst the noise are all enough for me to tear myself to bits for you. But I’m not sure that’s it anyway. It’s bigger than that.

Feel stupid. Investing so much in an open ended “ .. “ is too consuming to the soul. The continuous turmoil, the undisclosed mentions, the tangible becoming intangible over and over, the block that comes with all this is somewhat too costly, maybe but no.

Feel weak. It’s not a matter of knowing what to stop and what to change. It’s so complicated inside that lines have been too intertwined inside each other that reversing paths is too far from reality. Should’ve continued not thinking and only being told what to do and how to act. But what type of life is that that the slightest deviation and crossing one of the simpler lines can cost an entire lifetime. No matter how much I stay away, it finds me and manages to overcome me. But that’s not it either.

Feel left behind. What once was no longer is. Change when imposed is hurtful and sharp to the mind. Strange, since so seldom do things stay the same. Even the brightest days turn to darkest nights. But in a sense this is only good. Been trying to shatter this sick cycle forever and with the developments taking place this carousel is finally dislodging. So again, no.

Feel…. Is that the main problem? Since when do emotions and desire lead? Herewith lies the complication. Where is sanity amongst all emotion? "Only the strong survive. Only the wise excel and only the lonely die slowly." Decisions need to be confirmed regardless of that weak desire. Mind over anything and everything else!

Unless of course…. the mind is where it all breaks down to little pieces.  How is this element fixed, if at all possible. Stigma, misconception and the need to remain strong are pawns in this complex game of fools. So fool for now and for a lifetime till change inside and out are achievable, possibly in one’s lifetime, or not. 

Yet the answer, still elusive.