Temporary

Wasting it has become a hobby, no, a profession. So what. What value does it have if it’s always dull and useless. 

Desiring the unattainable, searching for the irretrievable. Longing for the scent of the long gone, manipulating the immovable, playing with the inevitable. Drowning breath. So hard to ignore yet pointless.  

Spending as if it could never run out. Wanting it to but on the precipice fearing the craving. Too many unmade choices. Too many unanswered dreams. The silence remains, could be eternal. The underlying could be regrettable. 

But wisdom fails, sorrow manifests and drive fades. Still more passes and loss is overwhelming to my humanity.

Quest

Been wondering why I’ve been feeling like shit the past couple of days. No answer has presented itself yet.

Feel used.  I hate sacrificing silently and being utterly unappreciated and unnoticed. Does that not make it a sacrifice?  But it’s not a reward I’m looking for, not even words, but the glaze in the eye, the warmth in the touch, the smile on the face, the silence  so tranquil amidst the noise are all enough for me to tear myself to bits for you. But I’m not sure that’s it anyway. It’s bigger than that.

Feel stupid. Investing so much in an open ended “ .. “ is too consuming to the soul. The continuous turmoil, the undisclosed mentions, the tangible becoming intangible over and over, the block that comes with all this is somewhat too costly, maybe but no.

Feel weak. It’s not a matter of knowing what to stop and what to change. It’s so complicated inside that lines have been too intertwined inside each other that reversing paths is too far from reality. Should’ve continued not thinking and only being told what to do and how to act. But what type of life is that that the slightest deviation and crossing one of the simpler lines can cost an entire lifetime. No matter how much I stay away, it finds me and manages to overcome me. But that’s not it either.

Feel left behind. What once was no longer is. Change when imposed is hurtful and sharp to the mind. Strange, since so seldom do things stay the same. Even the brightest days turn to darkest nights. But in a sense this is only good. Been trying to shatter this sick cycle forever and with the developments taking place this carousel is finally dislodging. So again, no.

Feel…. Is that the main problem? Since when do emotions and desire lead? Herewith lies the complication. Where is sanity amongst all emotion? "Only the strong survive. Only the wise excel and only the lonely die slowly." Decisions need to be confirmed regardless of that weak desire. Mind over anything and everything else!

Unless of course…. the mind is where it all breaks down to little pieces.  How is this element fixed, if at all possible. Stigma, misconception and the need to remain strong are pawns in this complex game of fools. So fool for now and for a lifetime till change inside and out are achievable, possibly in one’s lifetime, or not. 

Yet the answer, still elusive.